dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
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Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
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Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!