My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.