I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit