I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
someone owes me an orgasm
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
