I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
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I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
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Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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