Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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