i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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