I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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