so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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