i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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