This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
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She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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