I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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