i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
