My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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