At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Randomize
