What a fucking waste of an outfit
Someone shit on the floor
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
