i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
