If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?