I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.