I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
