hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
