her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize