I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Wow word travels fast.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Dating After Heartbreak
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.