I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends