Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.