he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Everclear isn't food dammit
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
