Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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