so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
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Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
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I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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