just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize