Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
