So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
