i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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