i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.