My cat gives me a boner
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.