I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...