I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?