Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.