Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
