Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just had sex bonerless
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
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Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This toilet bowl is my home.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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