I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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