This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
