i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
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The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
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For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.