i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
