tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We're too hungover to prance.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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