so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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