i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
