I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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