Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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