I just gift wrapped bread.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you will always have a special place in my vag
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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