Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
