What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
from now on my penis is your penis
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
