Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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