Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He felt like a one man threesome
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
