Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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