Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
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He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
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AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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