My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch