if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
