i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
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