you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
