I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
